I tell you what – John Heald certainly earns his wages.
The former Cruise Director for Carnival Cruise Lines is now their Brand Ambassador, and he spends most days answering hundreds of questions and requests from fans on his popular Facebook page (with the help of his assistant, Jacinta).
However, not every message he receives is written in a polite way. There are many people who feel entitled to have a go at John, either because they don’t like his humour or because they feel he owes them something.
I’ve taken a look back over just the last couple of years and found some of the craziest comments and questions John’s received – you won’t believe these people are serious!
1. Please just renovate the bathrooms for us
There are plenty of people who write in to John expecting a certain level of VIP treatment, but this is a whole other level.
Asking for the electric hand dryers to be uninstalled for the bathrooms for this one cruise, just to accommodate this one family, is so extreme. It’s obviously impossible, and also it shows no concern for the other passengers who, you know, want to dry their hands after washing them.
I understand that the child may be overwhelmed by the noise, but there are definitely alternatives that don’t require major bathroom renovation.
2. I understand that you are not Mr. Healthy
This one is less about the subject matter of the complaint, and more the way they speak to John.
John is one of the first people to admit that he is not skinny, but that does not entitle people to speak to him about his health in this way.
And the assumption of “obviously from your size you are not worried” is a whole other level of crazy. That’s just not how you speak to people!
3. Stop other people having fun!
This complaint is another that’s very entitled – expecting John to make sure that door decorations are banned from cruises.
Not every cruise line is the same, and Carnival is definitely one where fun takes priority. So I’m sure there’s no way door decorations will be banned. The fact that this Carnival guest assumes that others should stop having fun just because they think it’s tacky shows how selfish they really are.
Also, if they banned door decorations, where would we see the upside-down pineapples being displayed?
4. Let us bring our own tablecloth – and then wash it for us!
Hoo-boy, this one is a little crazy. It’s written from John’s perspective about a message he received from a guest who demanded they bring their own tablecloth from home, but then have the crew clean it and place it on the table from them.
The crew are there to help you enjoy your cruise and, within reason, they will do all that they can to make your cruise as special as possible. But they aren’t your personal slaves and you can’t expect them to have the time to cater to such requests!
John generally has patience for guests but for him to call out the request as “jaw droppingly astonishing” shows just how far this customer wanted to push things.
5. Disrespectful non-American crew
As a Brit, I know that I’m an outsider on this one. A Carnival guest wrote to John to complain that the crew weren’t stopping their work and standing to attention during the playing of the US national anthem.
But, here’s the thing – most of the crew aren’t American either.
Speaking broadly, I know that many US citizens have a real sense of national pride and they treat the anthem with a lot of respect.
That doesn’t mean non-US citizens need to do the same, though!
6. Stop posting dessert pictures and lose some weight!
Here’s another jab at John’s weight from a ‘fan’ on his Facebook page. “You need a diet plan and soon” is such a personal insult.
Look, enjoy yourself on a cruise. Eat lots if you want to. Or don’t, if you prefer to watch what you eat. Just stop judging other people.
As long as they aren’t being rude or unhygienic then what does it even matter to you?
7. Cancellation rules shouldn’t apply to us!
I’m very lucky that, so far (touch wood), I’ve never missed a cruise. I tend to make sure I travel the day before embarkation if it’s anything more than a couple of hours, because you never know what could happen en route.
However, if I did miss the ship, I’d know two things – 1) it’s not the cruise line’s fault, and 2) I can claim on my travel insurance.
“We didn’t purchase travel insurance” is not a good enough excuse to ask the cruise line to pay in the form of a future cruise credit. Even if something wasn’t your fault, it’s on you to have insurance.
Suggested read: Why You Need Cruise Insurance
8. We’ll clean, thanks – stop trying to help!
Yikes, this was a long one!
The cabin stewards generally do a really good job of getting cabins turned around between cruises, and keeping them cleaned throughout.
I’m not going to say that they’re always perfect, but most people are happy with the work they do. And in general, cruise ship cabins are much, much cleaner than hotel rooms.
You shouldn’t need to pack your own cleaning supplies – and then trying to get the cabin stewards to leave your room alone so that you barely tip them isn’t fair.
While it’s unfortunate, cruise ship crew rely on tips. Removing them to pay a pittance because you’d rather do their job for them is not helpful. You wouldn’t get in a taxi and tell them you’ll drive but will only pay a tiny portion of the fare!
Suggested read: Want To Remove Gratuities On A Cruise? Read This First.
9. How dare you not have country music!
Carnival’s a cruise line that has to cater to a huge range of guests and they can’t have every type of music represented onboard.
I understand that the cruise line does sail out of Galveston but not everyone cruising from Texas is a Texan. A lot of people will travel to the port from across the US and further afield too!
So not having a country band onboard doesn’t reflect badly on Carnival, in the eyes of most people anyway.
And if you really need a certain type of music to enjoy your cruise, there are plenty of themed music cruises you can book, including the Texas Country Music cruise!
10. Stop lying and sail to my schedule!
This person wrote to John to complain that the ship wouldn’t stay in port to watch the rocket launch from nearby – I’m assuming they were sailing from Port Canaveral.
If you want to watch a rocket launch, I’d recommend going to a launch-watching site. Rockets are launched from Port Canaveral at least 50 times per year. If you want to enjoy a cruise to the Caribbean or Bahamas, book a cruise.
You can’t do both – and you can’t expect a cruise ship to deviate from its schedule, pay loads more money in port fees and risk messing up its itinerary, just because you want to watch a rocket.
They aren’t lying. It’s not about rushing to open the casinos. They need to stick to their plan.
11. We’re not idiots – we demand harder puzzles
This one really made me laugh – I love it when people write such strongly-worded complaints over really insignificant parts of their cruise.
What do you think – should the puzzles and crosswords onboard a Carnival ship be more difficult? Or is this snooty person just thinking about themselves and not the wider range of guests onboard?
Also, you know they have an attitude when they address John as “Heald”.
12. You should pay for the bad weather
Guess what – the weather on a cruise holiday can’t be predicted. And so no, Carnival really won’t be paying out any kind of credit because the sun isn’t shining quite as much as you wanted it to.
Can you imagine asking this of any other type of holiday destination, like a hotel? You absolutely wouldn’t – so why should a cruise line be any different?
13. We demand respect – we pay their wages!
Another guest here that compares Carnival to other cruise lines, completely unaware that Carnival is not trying to be the same as every other cruise line!
Carnival definitely has more of a fun atmosphere, but that doesn’t mean the crew onboard are disrespectful. A lot of the positive comments talk about how friendly the crew are, how they will remember your name and always greet you with a smile.
Now, does it matter that it’s your first name? If it does, and you insist on being called “Mr X” or “Ms X” then perhaps Carnival’s just not the cruise line for you?
Plus, the whole line about paying the crews wages is, in itself, so tacky.
14. I’m entitled to better treatment than this
Guests who have reached a certain level of a cruise line’s loyalty program can sometimes act in a way that’s entitled. Not everyone, absolutely – but it’s definitely a recurring theme for some guests on social media.
This is just one example, where the guest expected special treatment above and beyond the standard perks they get for being Platinum, and they were annoyed that their boarding was not special because they were first on the ship.
Look, if you’re first on the ship, you’ve already got the best perk there is! And remember that loyalty programs are meant to add a little extra, not define your whole experience.
15. I’m also entitled to special treatment!
Here’s another guest who complained about their treatment as a new Diamond member, expecting even more perks on top of those they were supposed to receive.
“Those who made Carnival what it is today”? Loyal customers sometimes act like they’ve done the cruise line a favour by spending money on cruises, as if they didn’t get anything back in return!
Just say’n – your reward is all that amazing time you spent cruising!
16. It’s not fair that you have to set limits!
Of all the complaints on this list, this is one that I concede might be controversial.
The guest wrote to John to complain about the age limit on a more extreme snorkelling excursion, saying that they were too old for it at 66.
Carnival is a business and so it has to look out for the safety of its guests and, at the same time, make sure that any risks are carefully considered. So it’s understandable that it has to set an age limit for some excursions that could be dangerous for those who aren’t fit and healthy.
Absolutely, I can see that some guests who are over the 65-years age limit could be fit enough to tackle the excursion safely, but it’s not intended as an insult.
Particularly in countries like the US where litigation is common, the cruise line has to draw the line somewhere.
17. It’s your fault we spent so much money!
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when you cruise is not turning off your data, and letting your phone rack up significant charges.
This customer clearly thought that the cruise line should do a better job of telling guests this, but surely that’s as much your own responsibility too?
I’ve certainly never seen a cruise line try to be shady with this, and hide the fact that connecting to mobile data while at sea can cause you to incur hefty charges.
The cruise line should not compensate people for their own mistakes.
18. Bring back a class system onboard!
One of the topics that’s always guaranteed to be controversial on a cruise is formal dining night, and whether guests should adhere to a dress code or not.
There are plenty of people who like getting dressed up for fun, and those who prefer to keep it casual and dine elsewhere.
But then there’s always the crowd you don’t just want to put their formal clothes on, but also expect others to follow the same guidelines. Apparently, it can ruin their night if they see others wearing non-formal attire.
This guest had an extreme plan of essentially bringing back a class system like you had on the old ocean liners like the Titanic. I can’t see it taking off on any cruise line, but Carnival? No chance.
19. Don’t let the riff-raff mingle with us!
Another one where people expect there to be a certain level of VIP access to parts of the ship. This guest received an invitation to a Platinum party, with the option to bring a guest.
They believe that this is dumb, and that only Platinum or Diamond guests should be allowed to attend – to the extent that they refused to invite a family member and decided they would go alone instead.
Not everyone wants to go to a party on their own, so surely having a few guests isn’t going to ruin the atmosphere, is it?
20. You expect us to dine next to the crew?
Most of the time on a cruise ship, the crew will dine away from guests, in their own dining room on the lowest decks.
But sometimes some members of the crew will be able to dine in the public areas. Not always the formal sit-down restaurants, but absolutely in the Lido buffet.
For 99.9% of cruise guests that won’t be a problem, but John did have to address the few people who wrote in to complain about it. How dare they have to sit next to the ‘help’!
21. Asking us to pay for our dinner is a cash-grab!
This guest wanted to complain about being asked to pay for their steak meal upfront, even though they fully understood the reasons – sometimes, people will book this extremely popular venue and then no-show!
I don’t understand how you can clearly grasp the reasoning – which is very valid (Carnival would lose a lot of money with an empty table of 5) – but then be insulted by being asked to pay.
Almost as if they were considering cancelling at the last minute…
Their assertion that “Nobody is OK with this” is clearly a lie because most people do pay upfront for their speciality dining.
Also, guess what – you can get a refund if you do cancel with enough notice. So it’s hardly the end of the world.
22. You aren’t spoiling us with hot chocolate!
This is another message for John where it’s not so much the content of the request, but the way that it’s made.
It’s fine for guests to ask John about Carnival expanding their hot chocolate ranges to potentially include more premium options. And yes, Ghiradelli is awesome.
But “I am telling you that Carnival needs to get on this”, and “Do the research” are just rude ways of speaking. Ask politely instead of being so shouty. It’s not assertive, it’s just not cool.
23. Why not change the itinerary to chase the sun?
Another guest who assumes that their wishes are the same as everyone else onboard. Who cares that some people have pre-paid for excursions in port, let’s just ditch it and go sail into the warmer weather!
No – that’s not how it works, and you can’t just think that everyone feels the same as you. Cruise ships have to stick to that schedule and they aren’t going to go chasing the sun.
They’ll avoid dangerous storms, but a bit of rain? Just go grab a drink in an indoor bar. There are plenty.
24. You’re making me pack a pen?!
When was the last time you heard/saw someone say “What is this BS?????????” (nine question marks…) because they were given a pencil?
This is some serious anger over something so unimportant. It feels pointless. (Pardon the pun!)
25. I hope you have a serious illness!
I had to save this one til last. What an insane comment to make!
There’s been a lot of controversy over the use of mobility scooters. Primarily it comes down to the rules that scooters can’t be left in corridors outside cabins – they need to be small enough to go into the cabin to be stored there.
A lot of mobility scooter users aren’t happy with this, but to actively wish illness or injury on someone like this is horrific. Only one person in this conversation is a disgrace, and it’s not John.
Final word
John Heald does an excellent job of handling the difficult questions and rude comments that get sent his way, and he’s got a great sense of humour.
I know that he’s made some comments before where guests have crossed the line to talk about his family, and that’s horrendous.
But when it’s just being rude to John himself, he seems to manage OK with turning it around into a joke – even if he sometimes has to let his alter-ego ‘Bob’ answer in his place.
Thankfully most people that message John aren’t quite this rude or expectant, and you can see more for yourself by following his Facebook page.
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Jenni Fielding is the founder of Cruise Mummy. She has worked in the cruise industry since 2015 and has taken over 30 cruises. Now, she helps over 1 million people per month to plan their perfect cruise holidays.
