Ahoy mateys! Are ye in the mood for some swashbuckling humour?
Look no further, ye’ve come to the right port! I’ve searched high and low, from the poop deck to the crow’s nest, to bring ye the funniest cruise ship jokes that won’t make ye walk the plank. So sit back, grab a pint of grog and prepare for a good laugh, just don’t blame me if ye end up with a bad case of the giggles!
I’ve left out the really bad ones and the adult ones, leaving just the funniest clean jokes about cruising.
1. Spring break
A group of college kids went on a booze cruise for spring break. The ship sank and the young men escaped in a small lifeboat. They floated for several days but nobody came to rescue them.
Eventually, delirious from a lack of fluid, one of the men noticed a bottle floating in the water. He reached over and picked it out. Suddenly, a genie emerged from the bottle with a loud whoosh.
“I am a genie and I can grant you one wish!” said the genie.
“That’s a no-brainer!” The frat boy said. “I wish the ocean were made of beer!”
The genie immediately granted the wish and then vanished,
“You idiot!” said the second kid. “Now we have to pee in the boat!”
2. Playing cards
Q: Why couldn’t the cruisers play cards?
A: Because they were standing on the deck!
A cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he sees a small island. On the island, he spots a thin, suntanned man, with wild hair. He can see the man jumping up and down and waving.
The passenger turns around and sees the Captain, so he draws his attention to the man.
“Captain, what’s up with that guy?”
The Captain shrugs his shoulders.
“No idea. He’s always that happy when we sail past.”
4. Two oceans
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
5. The nervous cruiser
A very nervous first-time cruiser met the captain at the welcome reception.
“Do ships like this sink very often?” he asked.
“No,” said the captain. “Usually it’s just the once.”
6. Sunbathing and reading
Two cruise passengers are lounging on sun beds, reading books. One notices that the other is reading a Che Guervara book.
The other passenger turns to him and asks
“Have you read Marx?”
“Yes”, he replied. “I think it’s from sitting on these deck chairs so long.”
7. The booze cruise
On the last night of the cruise, it’s discovered that there’s been a miscalculation with the food. Just before dinner, the captain announces over the loudspeaker…
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I’m sorry to inform you that there are 2,000 passengers on board, but only enough food for 1,000 people. However, we do have plenty of drinks, so anyone who is willing to give up their meal will receive free drinks for the rest of the cruise.”
A few hours later, the captain makes another announcement…
“I apologise, but it appears that we have run out of alcohol. However, if anyone is hungry, we do still have 1,000 meals available.”
8. The magician and the parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship, performing the same tricks each week for new passengers.
The captain’s pet parrot came to all the shows and figured out how the tricks worked. He began to shout out during the shows. “It’s up his sleeve”, and suchlike, spoiling the illusions.
The magician was annoyed but couldn’t do anything as the parrot belonged to the captain.
One night, the ship sank. The magician found himself stranded on a desert island, along with the parrot. The stared at each other with hatred for days, neither uttering a word.
Finally, after three days, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Okay, I give up”, he said. “What did you do with the ship?”
9. The cabin steward
My cabin steward is amazing! I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and my bed has been made!
10. Scotch and water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with two drops of water.
She says: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today!”
“Congratulations!” says the bartender. “This one’s on me.”
As she finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a drink too”
“Thank you, ” says the lady. “I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water”.
The man to her left says, “I’d like to buy you a birthday drink too”.
So the old lady orders yet another Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gave her the drink, he asked the lady, “I’m so curious. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue!”
11. The new hat
An old lady was standing on the top deck of a cruise ship, holding tightly on to her hat so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to be rude, but your dress is blowing up in the wind!”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”
“But, madam, you’re also not wearing underwear and people can see everything!” said the gentleman.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
12. The language class
I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.
13. The small ship
Q: Why is a small cruise ship like a man who suffers from premature ejaculation?
A: Both of them only need a couple of tugs.
14. The castaways
David was something of a ladies’ man, so when his cruise ship sank and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women he couldn’t believe his luck!
The group agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
David threw himself into the arrangement with gusto. But, as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to his day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon, he was sitting on the beach, wishing for some more men to share his duties. Suddenly, he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft. David swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.
“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and said, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”
“Crap,” sighed David, “there go my Sundays.”
15. Which sailors?
Q: Which sailors blow their noses most often?
A: The anchor chiefs.
16. Trapped in the cabin
A couple boarded a cruise ship and went up to their cabin. Later, they called guest services and asked for someone to help them get out of their room.
“What seems to be the problem, ” asked the man on the desk.
“We only have two doors,” said the lady in the cabin. “One is the bathroom and the other says ‘do not disturb.”
17. The two priests
Two priests take a cruise. They don’t want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They’ve just hit the lido deck in t-shirts, shorts and sandals when they spot an attractive woman in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, “Good afternoon, fathers.”
The men are amazed, because they can’t understand how the woman knew they were priests.
They decide to go to the on-board shops and buy even more casual clothes. They buy Hawaiian shirts, surfer shorts and dark sunglasses.
The next day, they hit the lido deck again in their wild new clothes and the same woman passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, “How do you do, fathers?”
Well, the two priests are really confused, so one of them asks the woman, “Excuse me, we’re not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?”
The woman replies, “Why, father, don’t you recognise me? I’m Sister Catherine from the convent!”
18. Fastest cruise ship
Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship? Don’t worry, it’s a quick one-liner.
19. Rolex below decks
A rich guy took a cruise to a tropical island and decided to sunbathe on the beach. Wanting an even tan, he took off his luxury watch and slipped it into his pocket.
Back on board at the end of the day, he realized that his watch was gone. It must have fallen out of his pocket. Too embarrassed to admit he’d lost such an expensive item, he decided not to tell anyone.
A moment later, the Captain’s voice came on the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is an announcement to the passenger who lost the Rolex Pearlmaster on the beach…the time is now 6:54 PM.”
20. Latest Cruise Ship Trend
Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.
21. Sinking cruise ship
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea and the cruise passengers manage to escape on lifeboats. A woman then asks the Captain, “How far is the closest land?”
“3 miles,” he answers.
“That’s not too bad, in which direction?” she asks.
The Captain replied, “Down.”
22. Dock above the water
Q: What keeps a dock floating above water?
A: Pier pressure.
23. Bankers aweigh
Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”
The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”
Q: What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?
My five-year-old son loves this joke and he told it to Captain Robert Camby on our cruise on Arvia. The captain laughed!
25. Shower trouble
The showers in the cruise cabins are so small. I just soap the walls and spin around a few times!
26. Emotional Baggage
I told my suitcase I wouldn’t be taking a cruise this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage!
27. Cruise news
Breaking news: Passengers trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for 4 days.
On the bright side, it’s kind of what they paid for.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this list of the best cruise jokes. So many of the jokes about cruise ships seem to involve ships sinking. I suppose that a cruise is the start of many desert island jokes.
If you love cruise ship humour, you’ll find that most cruise ships have comedy shows on board. There might be earlier shows that the whole family can enjoy and adult comedy shows after 10 pm.